Taking A Bite Out Of Life With Intuitive Eating and Fat & Fearless Living!

Huge Reflection- What’s Underneath The Clothes

Yesterday I posted a facebook status saying that I was taking the week off from everything blog related, and I had planned on sticking to that statement, but last night as I sat down and watched Huge I knew that there was something I wanted to address and since the blog post instantly came to me I figure why the hell not indulge in a little posting. I guess the creativity comes back when you take the pressure off huh?

Well since I am not under pressure i’m not really going to talk much about what happened in the episode, if you want a play by play check out Fatshionista’s Recaps. Basically this post, just like our other weekly Huge posts, is just a reflection from one instance  of the show, one small moment. Amber and George (the hard bodied couselor) were getting their makeout on, which i’m not quite sure how I feel about, and he got a bit grabby and touched her stomach and basically she kind of freaked out. This ended up making him think that he was moving too fast, but we find out it wasn’t really the speed that was the problem, it was her insecurity with her stomach.   First off let me just say he is a counselor at her FAT CAMP, i’m pretty sure he knows she isnt a size 2, yet he has been all up in her pretty Hasselhoffness and doesnt seem to have a problem with it and is far more concerned with the fact that she is under age then the size of her jeans. None the less this triggered a bit of reflection for me cause as ridiculous as it is we’ve all probably been there right? We’ve all probably found ourselves in the middle of a makeout session and worrying about what will happen when the person we’ve had our lips attached to for the last hour feels the layer of fat that coveres our stomach. Or what will happen when our top comes off and our lover see’s a roll, or a patch of stretch marks or anything else that we think is wrong with our bodies and hide from the world.

When I was 15 I met a guy from another school. He was a football player, the kind of all American popular guy, had a killer smile, a fairly ripped bod, and basically the thought that he was God’s gift to women. He and I hit it off right away though and had a lot more in common then I ever really thought we would since I was the cute but chubby funny girl and he was Mr. Everything to Everyone. We got along great and to even my own suprise he asked me out about a week after meeting me. We went on quite a few dates and eventually became an item. We talked on the phone till all hours of the night and we spent some serious time with our tongues shoved down eachother throats in the back of movie theatres. As we got more serious you would think I would have become more secure in the relationship but I didn’t. I never wanted to meet any of his friends because I was afraid after seeing me they would give him shit and that he would realize that I wasn’t attractive enough to be dating him. I also was constantly worrying everytime his hands would roam my body that he was going to feel my fat and be disgusted and realize that I wasn’t the girl for him. Before our dates I would spend hours dressing myself to look my smallest, and thinking of how if things got hot and heavy I could somehow distract attention away from my stretch marked hips and petruding belly. It got to the point that I couldn’t even find myself enjoying the moments with him anymore, I was too busy overanalyzing any thing he could possibly be thinking in regard to my body, to my fat. Eventually I physched myself out enough that I was convinced that he was ashamed of me, that even though I was the one turning down group activites that I was somehow his dirty little secret. That I couldn’t be with someone who thought I was less than them. I ended up breaking his heart and mine with my own insecurity and ruining a relationship with a guy who never had thought one single negative thing about my body. All because I couldn’t see past my own insecurities. 

I know that losing a possible love at 15 isnt that big of a deal but is something I carried with me for a long time.  For years everytime I got naked with a lover for the first time I still found myself worrying what they were going to think when they find out whats  was underneath the clothes. It took quite a few years to realize that anyone who was worth getting naked for would love my body just as they loved every other part of me. That women and men even those of the gym rat variety could still find an appreciation for a soft stomach, and a juicy ass. That my fat wasn’t a secret, that they knew it was there before getting my clothes off and that it hadn’t changed their opinon of me yet and wasn’t going to. I realized how ridiculous I had been and how all my insecurity had done was make me appear ridiculous. I was confident in myself fully clothed and there was no reason that my confidence needed to deminish when the clothes disappeared.

xoxo

Samantha

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9 responses

  1. Pingback: This Weeks Huge Reflection! « Lips, Hips & FATshion Tips With Stiletto Siren

  2. Lori

    Excellent post! I hear you all the way on this, and you couldn’t be posting this at a more poignant time in my life, thank you!

    August 17, 2010 at 9:20 am

  3. I’m so glad you posted this, I’m going through something similar right now. I haven’t had a gf in years and now that I have one, I find myself shying away from her because I “don’t want her to feel my fat”. But I am fat so anywhere you feel me, there’s fat. I can tell sometimes it bothers her but I often feel like I can’t help myself. I’m trying to take comfort in the fact that my fat is one of the things that makes her so attracted to me. Who wants a skinny mini anyway? 🙂

    Fantastic post, you definitely have someone that understand out there!

    August 17, 2010 at 9:21 am

  4. Yep, there’s a lot of me in this, too. It also goes to show my growth (and I think the growth of a lot of people who find size acceptance) — I’m much more secure with my naked body and its hotness now than I was during my much thinner teenagerhood.

    Then again, I was convinced back then that there was only one kind of girl ALL men wanted to date, and I wasn’t it. Experience was really the only cure for that misconception. (my experience as well as the men I was interested in getting older and more experienced)

    August 17, 2010 at 11:40 am

  5. Pingback: Tweets that mention Huge Reflection- What’s Underneath The Clothes « Fat & Fearless Life -- Topsy.com

  6. Sarah

    I had a similar situation, except that I never even got to the point of dating the guy. I kept pushing him away from me, toward other women, kept pretending I didn’t return his interest. Even pretended I wasn’t really sure he was actually interested.

    It was useful though, even if I do sometimes think of him as the “one who got away.” Because this quasi relationship helped to get me ready to accept the next relationship, to believe that someone could be interested in me.

    August 17, 2010 at 4:29 pm

  7. Have not seen the show in fact I forgot about it but let me speak as a man who loves big women. When I married my wife I rubbed her stomach and told her not only did it turn me on but it soothed me to sleep. At first she was horrified then after 18 years of me rubbing her stomach she has no fear at all. Like you said if they love you enough to get naked then they don’t care about your stomach.

    Now let me take this from the angle of being a plus blogger. It is about perception. You stated you were so nervous about what he thought you could not enjoy yourself. That I think is the problem with many larger men and women. We worry more about others than we do working on our own happiness to the point that we become miserable. Enjoy your time off thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    August 18, 2010 at 9:18 am

  8. Sweetie

    Great blog, but the font is very small and difficult to read. Hard on the eyes. Please use a large font size. All the better to enjoy your posts!

    August 20, 2010 at 12:20 am

  9. darling

    wow, i thought i was the only one who ever felt like this…..whenever my ex’s and i would make love, i would always keep a Cami on because i hated my stretch marks flabby belly and thought they would leave me because of how i looked or when they would try to take my cami off i would get mad and insist that they stopped! but my current boyfriend showed me that everyone has their flaws no on is perfect and that he loves me for who i am and thinks i am gorgeous even naked and it just makes me feel so much better about myself!

    August 27, 2010 at 11:51 pm

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