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The Only Approval One Needs Is Their Own….

Who doesn’t enjoy approval? A nice pat on the back for our egos, a common bond with another human being, respect from someone who to us really counts? Its no wonder people will do almost anything to obtain the approval of others. It starts when we are children we want the approval from our parents, we want the job well done for a good report card, a praise and hanging on the refrigerator of our best fingerpainting, even an “aren’t you just the cutest little thing” type of comment. We are taught through this that we have to be exactly what people expect us to be in order to be loved, and overcoming that lesson and realizing that “really” they just want us to be who we are, but ofcourse still good, honest, attractive and successful, is probably one of the most life altering moments of our lives.

I am a people pleaser by nature, and I always have been. I am that girl who cried over a B in math because I thought my parents would be mad at me. I also am that girl that will do anything you ask me to, that would walk through fire for just about anyone, and at one point in my life was also the girl that would put aside her beliefs, feelings and thoughts to fit in, be loved and just to have someone to sit with a lunch time. 

I ran around with a group of girls in middle school that were the type of girls that really hurt to look at, they were beautiful already even at such a young age, were popular, and had everything they could ever want. I have always been moderately popular myself, really more of a friends with everyone type of person, but I had made my way into this clique of girls by association. One of them really honestly liked me, the real me, and she and I had become close friends and with that the rest of her “group” had taken me in as well. I never really was one of them though. My thighs touched when i walked, THE HORROR, and I also had red frizzy hair that I was always  trying to lighten with that sun in crap since my mother wouldn’t let me dye my hair. I also had braces and curves and wasn’t experienced with boys the way they were. Basically I was that tag along, probably the butt of a few jokes. It was at this point in my life that I really feel like I longed for approval of others in a way that was truly bad for my health, and my pysche for the first time. These girls used my longing for acceptance against me by pushing me around, making my choices for me, and basically not allowing me to be myself. They told me I was only allowed to like certain boys, , that I had to play spin the bottle with the jock boys and let them feel me up at the park on the weekends, and that I had to be rude to girls that weren’t in our clique  and basically be a mean girl to everyone, and I did. This was also the first time in my life that I skipped lunch and sipped a diet soda through a straw because I didn’t want people to see me eat, weighed obsessively, and hated every inch of my body. Approval is lovely isn’t it? I tried so hard to be everything they wanted me to be, but I just never could reach the approval I was after. No matter how many times I skipped dinner and how many boys I let get past first base I was still chubbier then the rest of them, and still never had a boyfriend that played for the East Boise All Stars (serisously, it is that lame lol) and because of those ridiculous things I was a failure to them. It was a learning experience though as that summer I got some distance. I still hung with my close friend but I got a reprieve for the most part from the rest of them. I made pals with another girl from school who  had wanted their approval as much as I did but now that I think back on it could never achieve it because honestly they were intimdated by her and the fact that she was and still is now probably the most stunning woman I have ever seen.  It was over that summer that I did a lot of reflecting, fell in love that was actually recipricated for the first time and realized that it wasn’t me that was the problem it was these girls. I was over it and on the first day of school that year when I had been instructed on what to wear to match the rest of the group  I blew it off and in turn blew them off, and it felt GOOD!

I’d love to say that from that moment I never did anything for anyones approval ever again, but if I did it would be a lie. I married a man at age 20 just because that was what I was expected to do, even though I was only sexual attracted to women. I bought a house because it was the next step even though the original mortgage was $1300 a month which was like 85% of my total income. I let people in and pushed people away in order to be everything everyone wanted me to be. I’ve yo yo dieted with the best of them in order to fit the media’s ideal image of beauty but those are all lessons that I’ve learned from too and changed me for the better now. Without  them maybe I wouldn’t be at the place I am now, where for the first time I feel I am truly living my life for myself, with a love for the woman of my dreams, the interests and hobbies that speak to my heart, and a love for my body at whatever size it may be at that given moment. Its my life, and its a fat and fearless life, and mine is the only approval that matters.

It’s all baby steps right?

 xoxo

Samantha

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Don’t Whittle Yourself Away!

Quote Of The Day-

“He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”- Raymond Hill

Approval is an interesting thing to me, it something we all long for so much from at least one person in our lives if not from everyone. We want to seem “normal” or “right” or “good” without really knowing exactly what being those things would really entail. We push aside the logic that those things really don’t exisit that there are so many different definitions for those words and that there could never be on universal meaning for them. Yet we keep on striving, we keep trying to fit into media ideals, to our parents, lovers, friends perceptions of what we need to be life.  Everytime we do this, alter ourselves to fit others needs, sometimes trimming ourselves down both metaphorically and literally as we take away a part of what makes us ourselves, what makes us unique. What do we do when there is nothing left to change? We realize that while we may have found approval from another, we no longer know our true selves, and thats the real tragedy.

What is something you have done for the approval of others and not for yourself? How did it make you feel, did you succeed in being what they wanted you to be? Was it worth it?

Share with us and later today I will share my story of longing for approval.

xoxo

Samantha

Huge Reflection- What really changes?

First off let me say WELCOME!!

This site and the dialog, research and overall happiness I hope to generate from it has a been a brain child of mine for sometime and I am so glad to have you along for the ride. Before we get to know a bit more about how this site is going to work, what opportunities you will have, and what topics we will be covering, I thought it would be good to get a few posts under my belt and just take it from there.  So here we go!

Those of you who have ventured your way over  here from my fashion blog Lips Hips & Fatshion Tips have heard me talk over the last few weeks of  the ABC  Family show HUGE, which is basically a sitcom/mostly drama about life at fat camp for a group of teens. I have decided that since I have  created this new site, to talk more about issues relating to fat, bravery, living your life to the fullest and basically the ups and downs of being a forever fat girl this seems the more appropriate place for my Huge Reflections, and maybe this is a good way for us to start getting to know each other.

Last nights episode of HUGE for me really seemed to be about change and growth, you could instantly tell just from the previews for it which seemed to be a bit more dramatic than the actual episode itself, but none the less once again it  did make me think, reflect and remember. It started out with the group of Christian campers attending Church and talking about prayer. They were told that they could pray for anything they wanted and as I heard the words “Thighs that don’t touch” come out of the mouth of Haley Hasselhoff’ss character Amber my thought process on this post had already started to come to life.  Out of all the things in the world that she could pray for her thoughts instantly went to nixing chub rub from her life, and I had to wonder what does that mean for her soul? I think sometimes we get so clouded by almost petty things in our lives like our self-proclaimed flaws and aesthetics and the way people perceive us  that we forget the bigger picture.  When we are on the self loathing or the  diet train, which I am fairly certain every plump, overweight (even though there is no such thing), plus size.. whatever it is you want to call yourself, I choose the word fat  person  has jumped on a time to a hundred times we think that everything we could ever want, or need or desire in the whole world is wrapped up in a number on a scale that we aim to reach. We believe that with weight loss all of our problems will disappear, we will snag the man or woman of our dreams, will nail the job we have been after, we will have more friends, be less socially awkward, be happier in general, basically that life will be cake even if that means we can never indulge in a slice again for the rest of our lives.

In my fat life I have been every size from a 12 to a 24 and as a teen I was even at one point as low as a size 9.  At those smaller sizes sure I had a great appreciation for shopping in Victoria’s Secret and getting attention from males who were just after my then much smaller ass, but really that was the only change that took place. I was still way too loud, always saying the wrong thing (seriously my foot should probably just be forever inserted into my mouth), didn’t have any bigger group of friends then I did before and was still me, still the person I am and always have been except for taking up a little less space in the world.  The last time I remember my “thighs not touching” was in the 6th grade when I was trying to be in with the in-crowd that consisted of basically a bunch of skinny bitches (really these girls had toxic personalities) who made me just a bitch myself who was skinnier then she had ever been but still larger than the rest. Iate  pretended to eat all the same  things as them but I was still larger, which I realize now is because that is just the way my body is, that I have curves, a booty, and that there is nothing wrong with that. My mom once told me that this was the only time in the life where even though she loved me she really didn’t like me. Sure my clothes were more in the 5, 7, 9 range (seriously do you remember that ridiculous store?) but my heart was still in a size 16 and my personality that had always been kind and good natured  I now associated with my previous fat life and found myself trying to mask the old me away by basically being a snatch. How is this a good change?

I began to think about this last night as I was learning the Poppy the girls counselor was a previous camper who no one could honestly ever imagine being fat. She said that being at that camp years  before and the retreat that they go on during last nights episode  had changed her life. My thoughts when hearing this, how has it really changed her life? She has admitted in prior episodes the belief that she is asexual (which could quite possible be something that is still a worry from her inner fat girl) , she is awkward, not really likeable, and is still living her summers at the camp that changed her, which conveniently is probably the only place she really feels safe and like a success story. What about the rest of  her “life”, what does she have now that she didn’t have when she was previously a fat camper? From what I can tell is  NOTHING- just a smaller jean size.

Weight and size are not indicator of health, nor are changing them the golden ticket to everything you ever wanted. The real ticket I think is truly living your life, chasing your dreams, being who you are and loving every party of yourself as you are now, not you at the size you were in college, or how you envision yourself 50lbs from now. I think that a lifestyle that revolves around being one with your body, soul  and heart, that embraces self love, self respect and taking the chances to make your dreams come true can do a lot more to give you the life you want then Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, or whatever can ever do for you and that my lovelies is what I am here for.

xoxo

Samantha

It is our time to shine!

Quote of the day:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson

Enjoy the quote for the day. There will be one everyday that will inspire us to live, to shine, to be brave and to live fearlessly!

My question for you readers is how do you shine? Don’t play small, enlighten us with what makes you the amazing person you are!

Share with us!

xoxo

Samantha